Jurassic Potter!
by Cold-Blooded-Hippie-Eater
Summary: Dinosoaurs terrorize Hogwarts upon the arrival of the new summons Professor.
1. Default Chapter

7Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns The Harry Potter license not me. And if you still choose to sue I will be forced to sick my evil black 5-headed fire, ice, poison, thunder, and lava-breathing dragon, Sunshine, on you!!! (I don't own Jurassic Park either!)

Authors Note: this is my first fic so it might suck. If it does don't blame me, blame inexperience (And my sister, Wicked Lee.)

**_Jurassic Potter!!!_**

It was Saturday morning august 30th. Harry, and Ron were waiting for Hermione in Diagon Alley.

Harry: She's late again! What's her excuse this time?

Ron: Why are you surprised? That bitch is late every year!

[Hermione comes from behind and slaps Ron in the back of the head] 

Hermione: I'm late because I had to get this for you, you lazy bum!

[Hermione holds up a bag of pot]

Harry: Ron! Is that Pot!?!?

Ron: Well, duh, it says Pot right on the bag dumbass!

[Hermione slaps Ron]

Ron: What the Fuck was that for!?

[Hermione slaps Ron again]

Ron: Stop it you bitch!

[Hermione slaps Ron again]

Hermione: don't ever curse around a lady!

Ron: [crying]… I'm sorry.

Harry: are you two done yet? We have to get our school supplies.

The group goes to the bookshop

Manager: Oh hello everyone, come to get your books for this year?

Ron: Duh, If we weren't we wouldn't be in a fucking-

[Hermione punches Ron in the chest]

Hermione: What did I say earlier !?

Ron: I'm sorry

Manager: All right let's see what you need. Unfogging the future, immediate transfiguration, Standard book of spells grade 3, the Monster book, and Creature summons.

The manager gives everyone their books.

Manager: Hey, is that pot you have their little boy?

Ron: Yes, why the fuck do you care?

[Hermione body slams Ron through a table]

Hermione: Stop cursing!

Manager: Little boy, Pot is extremely dangerous substance. It rots your brain, can cause lung cancer, and it is extremely addictive. 

Ron: Did I ask for a lecture?

Hermione: Well Ron it may be annoying but he does have a point.

Harry: all right we got our books, now lets get cake & ice cream.

Hermione: We can't now; we have to buy all our books first.

Harry: Why?

Hermione: Because I said so.

Ron: Oh yeah? Well according To Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban we get books then go for Ice cream. [Looks at Harry] Sorry Harry, but there's no cake involved.

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO[Pant,pant,ahem]OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry starts crying

They all go to Dairy Queen, and get ice cream. Suddenly Draco Malfoy comes up to Harry

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

[2 hours latter]

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

[22 hours latter]

Ron: [wakes up and yawns] are they still at it

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry potter

Hermione: Yep

Ron: Y'know the Train to hogwarts leaves in half an hour. I guess I better end this.

Ron walks up to Draco

Draco: Well if it isn't Ron Weasley, the poor boy.

Ron: Screw you! [Beats up Draco]

Harry: Thanks Ron!

Hermione: The trains about to leave, lets go

Harry: Hold up a sec. [Harry picks up a rock and throws it at the broom shop window and steals the fire bolt broom] now lets go.

The group arrives at Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry

Harry and Ron go to creature summons. Their teacher was Professor Schnookie. He wore Dark blue robes similar in design to professor Snapes, with a long crimson red cape with an earring with a small dragon tooth attached. He had short black hair and thin eyelashes with red snake-like eyes. 

Schnookie: Welcome 3rd years, as you all know this is creature summons. We will start this class off  by pre-pairing a sanctuary for the creature blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, any questions?

Ron: I have one; can we get high in class?

Schnookie: yes you may.

Ron: Yippee!!!! [Does a happy dance]

Schnookie: Silence, you little stoner punk!

Ron proceeds to get high while the rest of the class made their sanctuaries. After awhile professor schnookie went around and checked on everyone's project and gave everyone 100 points. Even Ron's, which was merely a few markers stacked on top of one another. All except Harry's.

Schnookie: Harry, Your project sucks, you get an "F" 

Harry: What the fuck? Bitch mine is one of the best in the class! If anyone's project should get an "F" it's Ron's marker stack.

Ron: Man…I'm sooooooooooo high, I have no idea was goin on.

Schnookie: Do not argue with me! [Bitch slaps Harry.] I will give you a make up assignment be here midnight tonight with Ron.

Harry: Midnight, are you insane?

Schnookie: [Bitch slaps Harry] only partially. [Walks away.]

Harry and Ron go to Professor schnookies class at midnight.

Schnookie: You're 2 seconds late! 500 points from Gryffindor. Now you're project is to use these leaves and these 55 4ft high eggs and cast a spell that will heat them up!

Harry: Wait, I thought we were going to summon monsters from the infinite beyond not make eggs hatch.

Schnookie: Silence! 1000 points taken from gryffindor! Any questions?

Ron: Yea, do these make good chronic plants?

Schnookie: No! 5000 points from gryffindor!

Harry and Ron proceed to do the assignment, although Ron stops as soon as he starts.

Harry: Ron, what's with the staling?

 Ron: Shit Harry, I don't care about what the teacher says, this shit is da' bomb diggity!

Harry:….Wha???

Ron: Nothing

Ron continues to get high until Harry finishes the work. Suddenly Professor Schnookie bitch slaps Ron from behind.

Schnookie: What did I say!? I specifically said that these weren't good chronic plants! But you're to fucking stoned to realize that means no, you little stoner punk!

Ron cries while leaving with Harry. After a couple weeks the group meets up in the library.

Ron: Hermione, what happened in potions today?

Hermione: We made an Elixir that smelled like toad droppings.

Ron: Fuck, that su-

[Hermione slaps Ron]

Ron: OW! Girl, you need to lay off the slapping

Hermione: Well, you need to lay off the cursing Ron!

Harry: He's right Hermione. If you keep it up that little joke will have been played out by chapter 2!!!

Hermione: No Ron's little pot addiction would've played out!

Ron: Fuck you, you whiny little bitch!

Harry: Stop fighting you two!

Ron & Hermione: Go to hell!!!

They both punch Harry in the nose and continue to beat him up until a loud roar shook the library, which was shortly followed by screams from the students.

Hermione: What was that? 

Ron: I don't know 

Harry: Why don't we go check it out?

They all exit the library and Harry Takes out the invisibility cloak but are stopped by Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry—

Suddenly Draco Gets scooped up in the jaws of a 50 ft high tyrannosaurus that swallows Draco in one gulp.

Harry: Oh Snap! 

Ron: Big Lizard! Big Lizard! Big Lizard!

They all run back into the library and lock the door.

Hermione: Seriously, how do you think that a 10lb door will hold up against a 1,00lb dinosaur?

Harry: WELL USE A FREAKIN SPELL OR SOMETHING!!! WHY DO YOU THINK WE TAKE CLASSES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron slaps Harry

Ron: Pull it together man! What we need to do is find professor Dumbledor before that big lizard that just broke through the door and is standing right beside me breathing heavily and drooling………eat's…us… ah crap.

Harry Ron and Hermione run out the back door screaming like little girls. They eventually reach Professor Dumbledore's office.

Hermione: Dang He's not here.

Harry: HE'S GONE, HE'S GONE!!! THEY GOT HIM! HE'S DEAD!!!!  

Hermione: Calm down Harry, I'm sure Dumbledor's all right.

Harry: HE'S DEAD, HE'S DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Harry, I know how ya feel. Try some of this [hands Harry a small bag of pot] this will make ya feel goood. 

Harry gets high and quickly calms down

Harry: All right, first off: 1.What the hell was that

                                         2. How did it get here?

                                 And 3…there is no 3

Hermione: [Slaps Harry] Hell is a curse word Harry! And that was obviously a Tyrannosaurus-rex

Harry: [while rubbing cheek] a tyransrarus?

Ron: No a Tiranosirius-rexus

Harry: wait, she said teranosoros

Ron: she said tyranny testa Rosa

Hermione: I said…

Suddenly the dinosaur's gigantic head busted through the floor attempting to catch one of them in its         gigantic jaw. Harry, Ron, and Hermione all scream and jump up on a desk.

Ron: Do something Hermione!

Hermione: Like what !?

Ron: I don't know, you're the smart one!

Hermione: Not really, I always use a cheat sheet!

Harry: Goddammit! _Wnguardium Leviosa!!!_

Suddenly the spell pulls the t-rex through the floor completely into the room. The T-rex lunges and manages to tear off Hermione's cloak. Hermione froze with anger and screamed every-swear word imaginable. First she pile drived it through the floor and proceeded to bitch slap it down the hallway. Harry and Ron ran down the stairs as fast as they could nearly tripping over each other just to get a glance. After that she swung it around by its tail and threw it outside. She grabbed a large flagpole and started beating the creature down. And finished him of by shoving her wand up it's ass and shouting _Lacarnum Inflamare _(The fire spell) which sent it running towards crystal lake. Harry stood there while Ron (who got high during the fight) took pictures of the half-naked Hermione.

Harry: Wow, Hermione…I never knew you had it in you.

Ron: [Pointing] Ha ha, look at the tities!

Hermione grabbed her robe angrily while Ron continued to get high.

Back at the gryffindor common room.

Harry: How did that monster get here?

Hermione: A better question would be how is it alive? It's species has been dead for millions of years.

Ron: Who cares, fuck this shit. I'm getting high.

Ron starts to pull a leaf out his pocket only to be slapped by Hermione for cursing.

Ron: OW! Don't you think you're over reacting?

Harry observes the leaf and immediately remembers where it's from.

Harry: I know where it's from! Professor Schnookie!

Hermione: Schnookie? 

Harry: Schnookie, Professor Schnookie made Ron and me do this make-up assignment, which involved incubating giant eggs.

Hermione: Are you sure that's where they're from? 

Harry: It has to be. 

Hermione: How many eggs were there?

Harry: …………….55.

Hermione: …..

Ron:weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.


	2. The Rebirth of Draco Malfoy

I own nothing but sunshine!!!!!

**_Jurassic Potter chapter 2!!!!!! Draco's Re-birth!_**

**__**

Hermione: 55! 55 of those things running around hogwarts eating all the students!

Harry: Well they're not all that type. Cause there were White eggs, yellow spotted eggs

Ron: and these cute little red head ones with freckles!

Harry: Ron, you really need to lay off that pot.

Ron: Why? I like getting high. I'm sooooooo high, I can fly.

Ron then got up on a table started flapping his arms and jumped. He immediately fell on his face.

Harry: Told you

Hermione: We need to find professor Schnookie. He started this; we'll make him end this.

Harry: but how?

Ron: With this!

Ron picks up Voldemorts torcher kit: from dark wizard toys.

Harry: Where'd you get this?

Ron: Hermione, I'm high. How the hell am I supposed to know?

Suddenly the T-rex busted through the wall roaring furiously. Harry and Hermione screamed.

Ron: ha, ha, ha, look Hermione, he wants a re-match!

They ran away as fast as they could down the hall, while Ron sung 

Ron: Re-match Re-match everybody re-match! One nearly died, the others ass got fried, we all love a re-match!

Harry: Ron you're not helping our situation!

The T-rex chased them around the school crushing many students and professors in its path.

Finally the T-rex had them cornered. He started to lunge forward but suddenly stopped. His eyes widened and let out a loud groan then the T-rex started grunting. Then he let out a gigantic FART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww NASTY!!!

The T-rex started to grunt suddenly large brown clumps began to fall from behind. It let out another loud fart, this time spraying it like a hose from its ass. Along with a crappy (literally) looking Draco Malfoy.


	3. Rise of the raptors

.Jurassic Potter!!!! Chapter 3: Rise of the raptors!!!! 

**__**

The T-rex turned around groaning in pain. He looked and he smelled his own feces. And immediately suffocated due to the awful smell. Draco Malfoy who had just been blown from the dinosaurs humongous ass broke down into a fetal position crying.

Draco: Oh it's so terrible in there! The horror, the funk, the taste! [He immediately spat out a small brown lump.] It was hell in there!!

Hermione, Ron and Harry immediately puked at the site of that.

Ron: quit whining, slim shady!

Draco: fuck you ya dirty bum!

Ron: fuck you, you shit covered bum!

[Hermione slaps both Draco and Ron for cursing.]

Hermione: the next person that says fuck will die!

Ron: but you just said it

Hermione: said what?

Draco: fuck

Hermione chops Dracos right arm off. And Draco runs to the nurse screaming.

Harry: shouldn't we find professor Schnookie now?

Harry Ron and hermione head towards professor Schnookies class but are stopped by Parbati Patil and Lavender brown.

Hermione: Oh great it's the ditsy chicks.

Parbati: Oh Hermione, don't be jealous.

Lavender: there's nothing wrong with being imperfect

Parbati: Y'know Hermione you really need a new hairstyle

Lavender: and some make-up cause' gawd you need it.

Hermione: fuck you, you little preppy bitches!

Parvati: Ron, will you hold her down so we could give her a makeover?

Ron: Screw you preps!

Lavender: We'll give you pot.

Ron: O.K!!!!!

Suddenly a pair of velociraptors jumps Parvati and Lavender from behind, killing them instantly.  Harry, Ron, and Hermione scream and run with another pair of raptors chasing them. Ron quickly ducks into another room and starts to get high. The raptors continue to chase Hermione and Harry.

Ron quickly gets as high as anyone could ever get. Suddenly another Raptor jumps out from behind a bookcase. Ron, too high to run away, merely blows smoke in the raptors face. The raptor coughs and opens its jaws widely.

Harry and Hermione continue to run down a flight of stairs and ducked into the first room they saw and locked the door. When a figure in a black robe appeared.

Snape: Mr. Potter, Mrs. Granger you're late for class 50 points from gryffindor for the both of you.

Harry: Professor Snape, we were late for class because there some big ass lizards out there trying to eat us.

Snape: I thought weasley was the pothead. There are no gigantic lizards anywhere in hogwarts.

Hermione: But professor Snape, there is no class today.

Snape: Silence Granger! [Bitch slaps Hermione.]

Hermione: (Shocked) Oh no you di'int!

Hermione attacks Snape constantly, but Snape keeps evading until Hermione hits him with a jumping kick that sends him through the door into the wall. Snape and Hermione continue to exchange blows. Snape grabs Hermione by the arm and punches her in the stomach 14 times but hermione grabs his fist and punches him in the chin knocking him back.

Hermione picks up a 4x4 and begins attacking Snape with it. After landing a few good blows Snape then picks up a sword and attacks Hermione. Hermione picks up her own sword and they sword fight continues for a few minutes until hermione cuts Snapes hand off. Snape screams in pain and Hermione kicks him in the nut, which instantly knocks Snape out.

Harry: damn. Uhh…hey where's Ron?

Harry and Hermione exit the dungeon only to be chased by a group of raptors. They run into a room and lock the door. They turn around and see Ron sitting next to a raptor lying on the floor smoking a joint and blowing smoke into the raptors face.

Hermione: Ron!

Ron: wazzup! [Ron puffs a joint and blows smoke in the raptors face.] This guy can get high!(cough) We've been here half-an hour (cough) and he hasn't coughed once! Unlike Harry, who takes it like a bitch!

Harry: Shut-up!

[Hermione slaps Harry]

Hermione: C'mon Ron we have to find Schnookie.

Ron: Oh all right. [To raptor.] See ya lata dawg.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione again head towards professor Schnookies classroom. 


	4. Enter Grant

Jurassic Potter chapter 4: Enter Grant

**__**

A/N: A Dilophosaurus is that dinosaur from the first Jurassic Park that spits poison and killed the fat dude, Dennis. And compys are those tiny little dinosaurs that swarm you from Jurassic park 2 and 3

Harry Ron and Hermione run towards professor Schnookies classroom but are immediately stopped by Draco Malfoy (Who had his arm sewn back on.)

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Ma-

Hermione: [slaps Harry and Draco.] WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW!!!

Ron:  (who's working on the record for the worlds most highest person)[pointing at Hermione] ooooooooooooooooooo uwoooooooooooooooooo uh uh uwoooooooooooooooooooo you said shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Hermione: [Hermione slaps Ron for being a dumbass.] stop acting like a pre-schooler!

Draco: Granger you bitch, look at my arm!!!!

Hermione: [Slaps Draco again.] 

Draco: Quit slapping me mudblood! Who do you think you are slapping me like that?

Hermione: I'm yo mama bitch!

 Ron: Yeah she's yo mama bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHAH—

Hermione:[Slaps Ron] Watch your damn mouth!

Harry: Why can't all of you stop fighting [Starts to cry like a little bitch.]

Draco: Quit fuckin crying you little Pu—

 Suddenly a pack of compys came up from behind and attacked Draco. He ran around screaming his head off running into various objects. He screamed in agony and terror as they tore bits of his flesh off. Since he couldn't see where he's going Draco fell down a large flight of stairs breaking every bone in his body by the time he reached the bottom.

Ron: umm………better him than us.

Hermione: Foul-mouthed punk deserved what he got!

Harry: All this death is depressing [Harry starts crying like a whiny little bitch again.]

Harry Ron and Hermione climb up the tower where professor schnookies class is but stop when they see a pair of Dilophosaurus patrolling outside his class. They hide around a corner.

Harry: Oh my god what are we gonna do!? [Harry starts crying _again._]

Ron: I know! [Ron lights up.]

Hermione: I know!! 

Ron: Who cares?

Hermione: [Slaps Ron.] Before I even learned that I was a witch I saw this movie, Jurassic park. There was a guy, a dinosaur expert named Alan Grant; we could summon him to help us defeat the dinosaurs!

Harry: [sniff.] But how will we summon him? Professor Schnookie has all the summoning books [Harry continues to cry like a little bitch.]

Hermione: Well I'm sure there's a book in the library!

Ron: and go all the way back there? Screw this; I'm going in to whoop ass mode!

Ron walks up to the Dilophosaurus and they immediately open their frills and spit on him.

Ron: What the crap? I know you didn't just spit a loogie at me!

The Dilophosaurus spit at him again.

Ron: Oh O.K. 2 can play that game! Nggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooocccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron spits a gigantic loogie that completely covers the dilophosaurus, which really pisses them off. They chase Harry, Ron, and Hermione as they run to the library. They slamed the door shut and locked it. The Dilophosaurus started making a chirping-like sound. Harry, Ron, and Hermione started pouring through every summon book they could find.

Hermione: I think I found something!

Ron: What did you find?

Hermione: a muggle summon! What we have to do is blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Alan Grant.

Ron: ummm… yeah. Can I get high?

Hermione: No.

Ron…too bad!!! 

Ron gets high but Hermione slaps him.

Harry: All this violence is depressing! [Harry starts to cry like a little bitch]

Hermione starts to summon grant using a bunch of weird magical words.

Hermione:_ Setrium flenning strepath fiercium dinocra Alan Grant!!!_

Suddenly in a puff of smoke a man in an Indiana Jones type getup appeared.

Grant: Hey, this isn't the set of Jurassic Park 4.

Hermione: We brought you here to help us.

Grant: Where's here?

Ron: Hogwarts, Duh!

Harry: The dinosaurs! You got to kill the dinosaurs!!! Ple-e-ease HELP!!![Continues to cry like a little bitch.]

Grant: Dinosaurs, What dinosaurs?

Suddenly a huge Spinosaur bursts through the library wall roaring fiercely.

Harry, Hermione, and Grant: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: [calmly.] Well, ain't that a bitch?


	5. Ron's Revenge

Jurassic Potter chapter 5: Ron's Revenge!!!!! 

**__**

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Alan Grant Ran away as a spinosaur and a trio of Dilophosaurus chased them. They ran outside into a garden maze and attempted to lose them. After a couple hours they stopped to rest. 

Ron: Holy shit!

Hermione Slaps Ron

Harry: Stop the violence! Stop it!!!! [Cry's like a little bitch.]

Grant: Does he do anything other than cry?

Harry: Stop teasing me, you're hurting my feelings!!!! [Continues crying.]

Hermione: N,o he's a very sensitive person.

Ron: (who got high) He's a pussy.

Hermione: [slaps Ron] Don't curse!!!!!

Ron: Ow!!! So, Grant, how are you going to kill all the dinosaurs?

Grant: I'm SAM NEIL!!!!

Ron: What? Dammit Hermione, you slut, you got the wrong man! [Slaps Hermione.]

Hermione: [Screams as she beats Ron up] FUCK YOU RON, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!! GO TO FUCKING HELL!!!!!!

Harry: Stop the fighting!!!! [Continues to cry.]

Hermione: if you're _not_ Alan Grant, then why do you look like him _and_ dress like him?

Ron: He's a doppelganger!!! [Throws a skillet at Grant.]

Grant: OW! I'm an actor who plays a character from the movie Jurassic park named Alan Grant! And Alan Grant was a paleontologist not a dinosaur killer.

Hermione: But you do know about dinosaurs' right? You even touched one in the movie.

Grant: Those dinosaurs were animatronics…not real ones! 

Harry: [suddenly starts crying] Oh…no!

Ron: What?

Harry: I'm not crying

Hermione: so?

Harry: I only stop crying when…

Suddenly Draco Malfoy comes out from a bunch of bushes.

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy?????

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy

Hermione: Didn't he just die?

Draco: Harry Potter

Ron: He's a doppelganger!!!! [Throws Alan Grant at Draco knocking him down.]

Grant: What was that for? Why couldn't you use another skillet!?

Ron: O.K! [Throws a skillet at both Alan and Draco.]

Grant and Draco: OW!! 

Draco passes out; Harry starts to cry

Grant: You little dipshit! You can't do that to me! I'm Sam Neil! I'm a famous actor!

Ron: You're a doppelganger!!! [Throws another skillet at Grant.]

Grant: Owy! You'll be hearing from my lawyer!!! [Starts to cry.]

Ron: Shut up! [Throws _another _skillet this time knocking Grant out.]

Hermione: Ron where are you getting those from!?

Ron: … You don't wanna know. [Reaches back and rubs his ass in pain.]

Harry: Stop the violence!!! [Cries louder.]

Ron: Shut up! [Throws skillet at Harry, knocking him out.]

Hermione: Ron I can't believe— [Ron knocks Hermione out with a skillet.]

Ron looks around at all the bodies' shrugs his shoulders, sits down on the ground and gets high until he passes out.

'~~~~~~~~~~' 

    The Roars of the 4 dinosaurs awake Harry, Ron, and Hermione and Grant. They run but Draco gets squished and dies before he woke up. They run out the maze dodging the black, poisonous loogies the Dilophosaurus spat at them. Ron drops his bag of pot He turns back to get it but it gets trampled and destroyed by a Dilophosaurus. Ron Stops and quickly goes through the symptoms of withdrawal. Ron grabs a Dilophosarus and tears its spleen out through its ass. Grabs a second and decapitates it. He pulls the heart out of the third. The spinosaurus stops and attempts to flee but Ron grabs him, lifts him up and tears him in half yelling loudly.

Harry: I can't stand this graphic violence! [Starts to cry like a little bitch. In fact, Harry was crying so much, snot began running out of his nose! ]

Grant: How's that physically possible?

Hermione: Ron, you need more weed.


	6. Schnookies Secret

 Jurassic potter chapter 6: Schnookie's Secret!!!!!!

**__**

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Grant head to hagrids' hut so Ron can get more pot.

Ron Starts to steal some of Hagrids homegrown pot leaves But Draco Malfoy stops them.

Draco: Harry Potter

Harry: Draco Malfoy???????????

Grant: Didn't he just die?

Ron: (who just used a leaf to get high.) Dammit another Doppelganger! [Hermione slaps Ron for Cursing.]

Draco: I'm gonna tell your stealing!

Hagrid comes out holding a shotgun.

Hagrid: Gotcha ya little fucken thieves!!!

Hermione Slaps Hagrid for cursing.

Hagrid: Harry, Ron Hermione How are you doing? Hey! Have you been stealing my fucking pot again!?

Ron:….ummm Draco did it.

Draco: Wha?

Hagrid shoots Draco in the head instantly killing him.

Hagrid: Punk ass bitch!

Hermione slaps Hagrid _again _

Hermione: Hagrid the next time you curse I'll rip your tongue out!

Hagrid: I'd like to see ya try ya bitch ass hoe! Why don't you go shove a stick up yer ass!

Hermione: Fuck you!

Hermione attacks Hagrid but Hagrid ducks and kicks Hermione knocking her outside. Hagrid Jumps out the door and body slams Hermione. Ron throws a skillet at Hagrid knocking him off. Suddenly Fang attacks Ron, Ron Jumps out the way. Fang Grabs Ron and tries to punch him but Ron hits him in his "_Sack_" with a skillet. Buckbeak and Hagrid double team Hermione landing constant blows to her stomach. Hermione jump kicks Hagrid in the stomach but his protective layer of fat causes Hermione to fall back Hagrid Picks up his shotgun but Ron knocks it out of his hand with a skillet. Fang Kicks Hermione From behind and knocks her down. Buck beak holds Ron while Hagrid punches him. But Alan Grant picks up the shotgun and kills Buck beak and Fang. Hagrid starts bouncing on Hermione and Ron like a big beach ball until Grant shoots Hagrid. Hagrid instantly deflates into a skinny white man.

Harry: Stop the violence!!! [Cry's like a little bitch.]

Hermione: You're not Hagrid!

Ron: He's a doppelganger! [Ron gets high and starts stealing more pot.]

Doppelganger: I'm not a doppelganger I am [Pulls off skin suit] Lucius Malfoy!

Ron: Liar you're a doppelganger [throws skillet at lucius but misses because he's so high.]

Hermione: Why'd you kill your own son!?

Lucius: Oh that really was Draco? Damn!

Hermione: Why are you here?

Lucius: I'll never tell you 

Ron: I'll get it out of him!

Ron hands Harry Hermione and Grant Ear muffs and Starts singing.

Ron: Lo-o-o-ovin you is more than just a dream come true! And every thing that I do is out of love for you! Do-n-do-n doo doo 

LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucius: OH GOD HELP ME GOD!!!!!! SOMBODY KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Alan Takes his headphones off too early and the moment he hears Ron singing his head explodes.

Ron: Yippee the wicked Grant is dead!

Harry: This constant death is depressing! [Harry cries like a little bitch.]

Hermione: Why are you here at Hogwarts!?

Lucius: I'll never tell!!!

Hermione: Ron.

Ron: [Singing] I love you, you love me were a happy family…

Lucius: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL TALK JUST STOP SINGING!!!!!!!!

Harry: Stop the suffering, stop it!!!! [Continues to cry like a little bitch.]

Lucius: I'm here to serve Schnookie!

Hermione: Why is Schnookie killing everyone?

Lucius: Because…

Suddenly Schnookie comes from behind Lucius and Kills him.

Schnookie: Because dear children…[Starts to take mask off but can't get it off] Nggh stupid piece of! [Suddenly the mask comes off.]

Because I am Lord VOLDEMORT! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Harry: [Continues crying.]

Hermione: …………

Ron: [Gets high and continues stealing pot.]


	7. Death of the Hufflepuffs

Jurassic Potter chapter 7: Death of the hufflepuffs 

**__**

Ron: Go away man, I'm trying to get high here!

Voldemort: Silence you little stoner punk!

Ron: Screw you man!

Hermione: [Slaps Ron for cursing.] I'm not surprised it's you. Who else would've come up with a name like Schnookie?

 Voldemort: Pure genius! Nobody would've suspected me with the name schnookie! I'm a genius!

Ron: no you're a penis! Get it? Genius-Penis! HAHAHA! [Ron passes out.]

Hermione: Why'd you use dinosaurs to kill people? 

Voldemort: Because their feces are good for dr—uh I mean… NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!!!!!!!!! [Jumps on a pterodactyl and flies away embarrassed.]

Harry, Ron and Hermione run from hagrids hut but are immediately attacked by a trio of pterodactyls who bombard them with giant globs of poop. They reach Hogwarts and take the elevator up but it gets stopped at hufflepuff tower. Ron (who just got high) decides to try and sell some pot to some hufflepuff first years.

Ron: yo yo yo yo yo! What it is motherfuckers?

First year #1: Oh shit it's Ron!

First year #2: You mean that pot head?

First year #1: Yeah! So what's up Ron?

Ron:  Me you bitches I'm high on pot! Wanna buy some?

First year #1: No Ron drugs are bad.

First year #2: Nope can't help you man.

Ron: P-ussies! [Ron lights up.] Whoa… Holy shit! [Break dances.]

Hermione: [slaps Ron.] Quit wasting time!

Harry: Stop slapping people Hermione! It's depressing! [Starts crying like a little bitch.]

Hermione: [Slaps Harry] quit whining! We should find Dumbledore since he's the only one that could defeat Voldemort.

Harry: Voldemort, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Continues to cry like a little bitch.]

First year #1&2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Die of fear.]

Ron: O.k. but first… I'm gonna go make some brownies…

Hermione: whatever.

Harry and Hermione head towards dumbledores office while Ron heads into the cooking class.

Ron: (to himself) Well hufflepuffs you want to call me a pothead do you? Well I'll have my revenge soon enough! MWA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

Harry and Hermione enter Dumbledors office. 

Hermione: Dumbledore we have Urgent news!

Dumbledore: What news do you have for me Ginny?

Harry: Voldemorts back and he made dinosaurs poop on us! [Cry's like a little bitch.] 

Dumbledore: Oh isn't [farts] that cute voldemorts back!

Hermione: That's not cute, that's bad! Voldemorts evil!

Dumbledore: Who's [farts] Voldemort?

Hermione: The evil dark wizard!

Dumbledore: What's [Farts] a wizard?

Hermione slaps Dumbledore in rage.

Dumbledore: Thank you Hermione [farts] I needed that. So Voldemorts back is he? [Farts]

Hermione: Yes he is he was here disguised as a professor named Schnookie.

Dumbledore: Schnookie? What kind of pussy name is Schnookie?

Hermione slaps dumbledore for cursing.

Hermione: He's hiding in the castle right now and he's unleashed a bunch of dinosaurs around the school, which are killing everyone!

Dumbledore: Dinosaurs Oh I want to pet one!

Hermione: No you don't! They'll

Dumbledore: dino-saurs dino-saurs I'm gonna pet me a dinosaur!!! 

Dumbledore skips down the hall looking for a dinosaur to pet while Harry and Hermione try to stop him.

Outside the hufflepuff common room.

Ron: Hello hufflepuff fifth year! Would you like to buy some brownies?

HP 5th year: Why are you selling brownies Pothead?

Ron: Can't a guy sell brownies!?

HP 5th year: well… yeah I just…

Ron: Forget it, hey why don't you help me out and give free samples to everyone inside?

HP 5th year: Well O.K.

The hufflepuff fifth year comes back outside high as a kite.

HP 5th year: you idiot there was pot in there! Everyone in there is acting stupid like you!!!!

Ron: Stupid? Really? Well… KILL THEM!!!!!

Suddenly the Raptor that Ron got stoned ran out of the hall and started killing all the hufflepuffs who were too stoned to run away.

HP 5th year: What are you doing pothead!?!? [Raptor kills him.]

(20 minutes later)

Ron: Wow that was a lot quicker than expected.

Raptor: [Roars]

Ron: Well here's my end of the bargain [hands Raptor 2 kilos of pot] now be very careful with this, you don't wanna smoke too little. Cause if you do you'll go through withdrawal symptoms.

Raptor: [Roars]

Suddenly Draco Malfoy appears in front of them.

Draco: Ron weasley! I'm going to tell dumbledore on you!

Ron: You do it you die Malfoy!

Draco: Try and stop me!

Ron: Hey I'll add another Kilo if you kill him!

Draco: huh?

Suddenly the Raptor jumps on Draco knocking him down the stairs.  The Raptor jumps on him as Dumbledore comes around the corner singing while Harry and Hermione try and stop him.

Draco: Harry Pott--- [gets killed.]

Dumbledore: Oh is that a pretty dinosaur!

Suddenly the Raptor kills dumbledore.

Ron: Well thanks for getting rid of the dorks for me!

Raptor: [Roars and then leaves.]

Harry: all his death makes my feelings hurt! [Cries like a little bitch.]


End file.
